You've Tore Me Down-That Was Then This Is Now

Me

                You’ve tore me down. With the very sharp ends of every word you ever said to me.  You’ve crushed my dreams when I declare them to be one day, reality. You told me it’s impossible for a fat girl like me to accomplish anything but sitting on the couch in my own filth. You’ve lowered my self-esteem and heightened my self-pity when you tell me I’m not pretty. You tell me I’m dark spirited. You tell me I’m mean, but who made me this way. Not me…you. This wall I have created is indestructible toward physical abuse, but verbal; that’s another story. I shut so many people out because of you. I wallow in my pains and embrace it for it is the only way I can feel something. Inside I cry for help to be revived from this new form I have taken on. But the true me deep inside is too afraid to conquer those fears and rather stay inside where the lies cannot take control of her. She is sweet, shy, and insecure at times, and intelligent, she is even brave sometimes to show herself to the world. I tell her that, but she can’t hear it. Because just like she shut out the negative words she has shut out the positive; leaving her in a depressed state of mind with silent cries for a new life. She struggles every day from words that used to be said. These words sit upon her shoulder whispering declaring her as another useless thing on this Earth.

                She is me and I am her…another version I guess. I guess for she doesn’t talk to me anymore and is not one with me anymore. For she has pushed herself into a corner where it’s dark and there’s no light. For that light would show her ugliness and would turn Christmas into Halloween and turn day into night. Or so she was told. But in reality she would turn night into day, put smiles upon everybody’s face as she walked by. With pep in her step and a love for life so great anyone could feel it to. But she can’t hear that. She won’t even listen to me. I am her protector and I fail her so many times. I put my guard down to the very people she has told me to look out for. But I figure why should I listen to her when she can’t listen to me, see I’m very stubborn for that’s how she created me to be. To forget what others say and wash all of the pains away before they seep through this porous skin and latch onto her.

Her

                I am not what you see just another rendition of another’s damaged soul. I want to be free. I want to leave this darkness and step into the light of life. People don’t understand I try to be who I am but they tear that down. I know I can never be someone else but why can’t I be a better version? I feel my heart rip into pieces and my self-esteem plummets. My cries for help become mute just like my voice to speak up. I want to save this world from the horrors of what words can do. My voice is cracked and I am too afraid to grab ahold of it for there are thorns in my way, thorns that don’t take blood but my very life. They dare for me to grab it and once it’s in my reach they laugh and ask what’s the point and I slip away into a new state of mind and realize and ask the same question what’s the point? They won’t care anyway. So I give up and shrink back into the dark where it’s safe.

Now (Me and Her)-combined

(Me and Her) That was then this is now.

(Me) I yelled at her to awaken to come out of there. I rip myself apart to where now you can see only her crouched in the corner

(Her) I hiss for I have not seen the light of life in years. Hisssssss

(Me) shhhhhhhh. Don’t make a sound. Walk around see what you have missed

(Her) it looks the same to me but no one notices me.

(Me) Look again

(Her) All eyes are on me. What is this? Why are they looking at me?

(Me) You are a diamond

(Her) I don’t understand

(Me) you’ve gone through the very pits of hell. You have survived with a life of your own.

(Her) But they look at me in disbelief

(Me) For you are unique. Never have they seen someone be themselves and be happy about it. Do you forget…

(Me and Her) That was then and this is now.